


"Never Have I Ever Had a Crush on John Egbert"

by Banterwitch



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol, Coming Out, Earth C (Homestuck), Everyone is about 20, John egbert realises hes gay, Nonbinary Roxy Lalonde, Not Epilogues Compliant, Smoking, Weed, minor grieving
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24362515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banterwitch/pseuds/Banterwitch
Summary: John finds out that most of his friends have had a crush on him at some point - including Dirk Strider.Wait, when did THAT happen?
Relationships: John Egbert/Dirk Strider
Comments: 31
Kudos: 201





	1. Never Have I Ever Been a Heterosexual

"Never have I ever..... had a crush on John Egbert."

A small chorus of groans come from the circle of young adults gathered on Jade's living room carpet. Vriska and Terezi lift their drinks with the loudest protests of mock disgust. Karkat hurriedly gulps and slams his mug back down in frustration, splashing a fair amount of the remaining liquid on the carpet in the process.

Glancing around the rest of the circle John notices a surprising amount of faces hidden behind cups - all faces surrounded with white hair. Rose takes her time, sipping with eyes casually drifting over the rest of the room, other hand holding that of Kanaya sitting with her cup untouched. Dave slams his down in a similar manner to Karkat, but with a calm poker face. Roxy - cuddled between a cheerful sober Calliope and a very tipsy Jane - slurps the straw sticking out of their soda can, producing a wink when they meet John's eye. The last face drank so quickly he almost missed it, but he still registered it happening even if the cup was back on the floor as if it had never moved by the time John settled his gaze upon the final Strilonde.

He's sitting with his back straight and legs crossed directly accross the circle from John. The room is dim with only a yellow glow from the kitchen and the glare from a paused video game. He can't even make out the man's features in this light, and yet Dirk is still wearing those shades.

Jade grins impishly, pleased with the results of her Never Have I Ever and she elbows Dave next to her.

"Your turn, Dave!"

"Never have I ever been a fucking furry."

"Oh, ha-ha very mature!"

John is slightly too drunk to multitask paying attention to the game and stopping his face from openly blushing and looking like a deer in headlights. He's trying to process the information he's just been given, the information that his gut is suddenly getting twisted up about.

Its Karkat's turn, and he's still bright red either with embarrassment from Jade's round, or whatever human booze he's indulging in this game, or both.

"Whose idea was it to play this shitfucking game-"

"Just say something, Karkat!" Jade whines.

"Never have I ever been an insufferable fucking asslump" he says gruffly.

There's a scatter of laughter as they try to work out if that's really what he's going with, but Dirk lifts his cup and drinks smoothly, much slower than last time to let the joke settle in. The group burst out laughing, with some cooing protests of _noooo Dirk_ from Roxy and their cuddle pile. A few people also decide to say _fuck it_ and take a drink, including Karkat himself.

John finds himself looking at Dirk, his eyes glazing over, looking and looking, trying to get the thoughts in his head to take form, until he realises Dirks glasses are facing him and that probably means he's looking back, and he's probably fallen into staring territory.

"Sorry" John splutters, trying to laugh it off, "kind of spaced out a bit there."

Dirk doesn't reply but he nods ever so slightly and John decides to focus his gaze on anything else in the room. Only to have them drawn back to Dirk again as he clears his throat for his round.

"Never..." He casually draws out his words, picking his move, "have I done a strip tease"

A few people drink, but John doesn't - because he hasn't - and suddenly the word strip tease is dancing around his head. God damn. He's way drunker than he thought he was. He hasn't even drunk in almost an entire circle of turns, but it seems to have caught up with him. He kind of wants to drink anyway just to get some more alcohol in him, but he can't just lie about stuff he hasn't done. Not in a circle of people that know just about everything there is to know about him.

Jake shoves Dirk's shoulder and says "come on Strider, you have to drink too!"

"I have never done a strip tease in my life" Dirk responds sincerely. 

For some reason, _some reason_ , these words pick up in John's ears. The two carry on playfully bickering, and John also catches "it's not my fault if I'm _that_ hot that taking off a damn shirt looks like a performance".

A couple of rounds pass that John continues to barely pay attention to. His head is swimming with half formed questions he can't focus on.

_Dirk... When..._

"Never have I ever been a heterosexual."

The group surrounding John burst into rounds of laughter once again, and when he jumps out of his trance and looks up a circle of faces are staring at him grinning expectantly. He stares blankly back.

"Huh?"

"Drink up, Egbert!"

"Earth C to John!" 

"Sorry I missed the question..."

Rose clears her throat loudly and repeats "'Never have I ever been a heterosexual'. Don't worry, it wasn't meant as a jab at you, John. More as a joke the rest of the group can appreciate, in that none of us can relate. Queer humor. Though you do seem a bit distracted, so bringing you into the present is a welcome added benefit."

John nods and smiles weakly. Right! Heterosexual. That's him. He takes the welcome opportunity to finally drink from his glass, and he drains it.


	2. Chibi Slimer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has his first real conversation with Dirk Strider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kind comments, omg.  
> This fic in general will have some stuff I've had rattling around in my mind for a while, since before the epilogues. I'll try and have a bit more fun with it in subsequent chapters. They're still getting to know each other.

John bails on the drinking game as his head starts to spin, his friends chiding him to make sure he doesn't drink anymore,

"We don't want you puking or passing out on us."

"Or both."

"Both would be less than ideal."

"Don't have us have to deal with your passed out pukey body, dude."

So John gets himself a glass of water and loiters in the kitchen, letting his head and his thoughts settle, and when he finally returns to the living room the only ones still raring to go are Jade and Roxy. Despite being on opposite ends of the alcohol consumption scale, they're dancing and jumping around without a shit to be given. John passes Callie sleeping peacefully on the sofa, cradling Jane who is sloppily passed out on top of her. No one else is around, but none of them have any intention of going home anytime soon. Like everyone else's home, Jade has enough rooms, beds and bathrooms to spare. The whole lot of them could quite comfortably cohabit one house, but something about the decorum of being Gods and figureheads of their respective kingdoms means they all need their own fancy mansions with more space than they know what to do with.

Except John of course who just... lives in his Dad's old house.

John heads to the spiral stairway out in the hall and keeps climbing until he reaches the open balcony right at the top. He immediately appreciates the fresh air. Naturally, he finds comfort in the breeze and open sky above him. He's literally in his element. He leans against the thick stone banister, the busy lights and colors of the troll kingdom spread out before him. It's the middle of their waking hours but it makes John feel like he's enjoying a peaceful evening. His head is already starting to clear up.

The door behind him creaks open and the _click-click_ of a lighter sounds, and John's thoughts suddenly dissolve into a cloud again when he sees who he's been joined by.

Dirk tilts his head up in recognition and keeps clicking his lighter til the orange glow catches his cigarette and once satisfied he seats himself at the little metal tea table on the balcony.

John is still eyeing Dirk, not quite able to drag his eyes away, as there's nothing else he was focusing on up here anyway. Dirk gestures the cigarette at him, perhaps thinking John was looking to take a drag, but he shakes his head politely. He's not bothered about smoking. The smell and taste are too familiar in a way that aches in his gut.

When the smoke does reach him the smell isn't familiar, and John realises it's not tobacco.

"I thought we would have gotten rid of that stuff..." He says, confused. 

Dirk turns his head so the glasses are facing him, which once again John can only assume means he's looking at him. It's somewhat like personifying an inanimate object, imaging its emotions based on little things that imitate human actions. Like thinking a doorknob has a shocked face because of the position of its screws.

"What's that?"

"You know..." John gestures aimlessly, "Stuff that's bad for you."

Dirk just shrugs, "I dunno. We still have alcohol. Weapons. Capitalism."

John internally winces at bringing it up at all. He doesn't like to get involved in politics at the best of times, the best of times being his literal job as a figurehead for the Human Kingdom. He opted out pretty quick, left all that stuff to Jane who was eager to be involved in it, and it seemed like a win, win, win. He has no idea what Jane's stance on drugs is.

"I'd ask Jane about it but she's passed out drunk downstairs" John says dryly.

Dirk makes an abrupt sound that could have been a chuckle or could have been a cough from the smoking, he's not sure. Was what he said funny? He's still too drunk to know, or care.

"It's all carefully regulated and shit. The real dangers of drugs were always the circumstances surrounding it: poverty, class struggles, racial profiling, a lack of resources and support for individuals with medical and mental health issues. As long as we take care of the roots of those problems, the drugs themselves aren't much of a concern."

John has no idea how to respond, so he decides to just nod and stop talking forever. Whatever weird feelings that had been buzzing in his brain before were fading into a sober air of awkwardness. He realises he has never really had a conversation with Dirk, not one on one, not of any substance--nothing besides that other universe where Dirk had told him to leave him alone and flew off into a glitch.

Seriously, how could this guy have had a crush on someone he'd never had a real conversation with?

John's brain freezes up. A wave of cool air blows across the balcony, sending a chill through his scalp, and causing Dirk to duck slightly to cover his lit joint.

John mentally jabs that one thought with a pin to keep it from being blown away with the rest of his flighty drunk thoughts. _That one_. What was that? Dirk had liked him?

Dirk had liked him. 

Dirk had _liked_ him.

 _Dirk_ had liked _him_.

That made absolutely no sense.

Dirk makes a slight noise, a small intake of air, the kind you make before speaking, which makes John jump out of his thoughts and bring his attention to Dirk--that is the real physical Dirk right there next to him rather than the concept of Dirk that he'd been previously distracted by.

And Dirk had been starting to say something, his mouth opening slightly as he hesitated to spit them out. Hesitate wasn't something John had ever seen him do before. Dirk took a drag of his joint and his words came out in a low drawl,

"There's something I've been meaning to ask you."

The words cause John's heart to leap into his mouth, his skin tingling. Maybe he was going to throw up after all.

"For a while, actually. A real long time." He points his stupid shaded face once again directly at John, and leans towards him. John could swear he was looking him up and down, making his heart threaten to leap out of his body altogether.

"Is that a chibi Slimer on your shirt?"

John blinks as his foggy mind catches up with what he just said. His shirt. _His shirt_.

"Oh, yeah." John responds awkwardly, picking at the bottom of the shirt to look vaguely down at it, "I got it in this knockoff anime shop when I was like ten. The original one I mean, this is alchemised obviously. But yeah."

"Your sign is a fucking anime Slimer." Dirk smirks. "Amazing."

He's still leaning in, smirk lingering on his lips. John chuckles hesitantly.

"My what?"

"Your signia. Your symbol," Dirk clarifies, face slipping back to his default deadpan. John stares blankly back, so he continues, "You know like how we all have them. On our shirts."

He gestures to his own chest. Acknowledging the orange baseball cap on his tshirt, John vaguely recollects the comment earlier about Dirk taking one off in something inadvertently resembling a strip tease. God, his brain is being stupid tonight.

"Oh. Yeah, I guess you're right."

"You didn't notice. We all have them." Dirk continues with an air of condescendence.

"Yeah but I never really thought about it like that... I mean they're just our clothes right?" John shrugs. "And Jade's changes all the time. Literally all the time."

"You got me there."

Dirk leans back against the tiny metal chair he's perched on, and returns to his joint. John is apparently still staring at his chest.

"Yours is a hat."

"Yeah."

"You don't... wear a hat."

"That's kind of the idea."

John shakes his foggy head, breathing out a chuckle.

"Pfft, of course it is..."

Dirk nods, like he approves. Of what, John is not sure. They settle back into silence. Dirk inhales and blows out a thick fog of smoke. It's not in John's face or anything so he doesn't mind. It's kind of captivating watching him inhale and exhale against the dark sky.

"You know they named stars after them, right?" Dirk suddenly says. There's a hint of exasperation.

"They what?"

"While we were gone the original settlers picked out the main constellations and named them after our signs. Like, they're kinda a big deal."

"I. Did not know that." He shrugs dismissively "I don't really pay attention to star stuff? I mean, I know we created them and all, but I didn't really think about them having names or anything."

Dirk taps his spare hand on the table and takes another drag, seeming to be contemplating something. He gets up and moves to the stone railing, leans against it, a respectable few feet away from John.

"Yours is called Green Ghost. In Trollian it's roughly _Jade Spirit of the Dead_ even though it doesn't belong to the actual one of us that's called Jade but that's translation B S for you. Also it kinda suggests that you're Jade blooded, which means you're the god associated with the brooding caverns, which should really be Rose, if anyone. Religion, am I right. I didn't realise the ghost is fucking _Slimer_ , though. Incredible."

John can't help but grin into the dark sky. That's the most he's ever heard come out of this guys mouth. John finds his voice and mannerisms more interesting than the subject itself, how he keeps very still and stoic as he talks, his speech somehow precise despite the drawl of his accent.

Dirk finishes speaking and occupies his mouth with smoking instead, looking out over the edge of the balcony. There's no way he can see anything with those shades right? John watches him expectantly, urging him to continue.

"So... What about yours?"

Dirk glances back at John. He pauses for a moment before flicking the end of the joint over the edge. John catches sight of orange embers flickering into the air and fading into the night.

"Well, in Trollian it's _Bronze Horn Packer_. Translated back into English just makes it sound like some shiny mental-coated phallic symbol, which might be the best damn star sign I've ever heard. Imagine people being all 'what's your sign?' 'Oh I'm Golden Dong' 'your horoscope says this week you're gonna back flip into oncoming traffic'."

John grins at how much he sounded like Dave just then. Dirk looks a little taken aback seeing the wide smile on his face. John decides not to tell him what he was thinking, he doesn't know if he'd take it as a compliment or not. 

"You read up on all these stars and stuff then?"

Dirk lifts a shoulder in a half-shrug, almost bashfully. "It's all on the internet."

"Like, Earth C Wikipedia?"

"Basically. I like to keep up to date on this stuff. Gotta know all the cultural context, you know."

"Do you know which ones...?" John points up at the sky above them.

"Oh, nah. I couldn't be bothered with that. They're just a bunch of connect-the-dots, far as I'm concerned."

"Yeah, on the original Earth I didn't know them either. Except that one that looked like a spacepan."

"Yeah. Actually, the Bronze Horn Packer kinda looks like that."

"Cool!"

"The rest aren't anything to write home about though."

"So do they really have horoscopes or whatever named after them?"

"Nah. "

"That sucks, I wanna know if I'm a Golden Dong or a chibi Slimer!"

"Yeah, we're missing out on a whole culture of bullshit assigned personalities and fake fortune telling. What's even the fucking point?"

They continue chatting shit under the stars named after them until they're both shivering. Dirk announces he's gonna "hit the hay" and confirms John knows his pester handle, promising to catch him up on the history of Earth C cinema. It's not until John can no longer hear Dirk's footsteps that his thoughts re-gather, icey breeze whipping at his hair as he tries to work out for the life of him when and how Dirk had ever had a crush on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John and Dirks signs are both kinda weird. John just picked his shirt up in a knock off anime shop and was like "cool, slimer!" despite it being a cutesified imitation and then just wears it every day. whereas Dirk like purposely chose to put a hat on his shirt because he likes them but doesn't wear them because he doesn't want to mess up his hair. Also it's a visual callback to his alternative self, establishing himself as a different guy with different choices - but still with the potential to become that guy once he "grows into it". A lot to unpack there. Perhaps Dirk will explore this concept at some point in this fic I have no idea what I'm doing with.


	3. Bro Pancakes. Bro-cakes.

John wakes up to something loudly vibrating against his head. Coupled with the dull headache and a lack of vision, for a brief moment he wonders if he's having a brain aneurysm. He has no idea what a brain aneurysm feels like, but he's sure it's just like this.

However, the buzzing stops and the headache really is only _dull_ , and he's pretty familiar with waking up with blurry vision after twenty years of short sightedness. Rather than bothering to search for his glasses in the strange room he'd passed out in late last night, he pulls the phone close to his face, adjusts the brightness setting to something that doesn't burn his eyeballs, and squints at the red text on his notifications. Pretty convenient that his phone shows the colour of the text in the notifications. Means he can avoid any colours he doesn't want to deal with.

Red, of course, is a colour he rarely avoids.

TG: egbert where you at  
TG: where did u end up last night  
TG: this place is a goddamn labyrinth  
TG: how many fucking rooms does one doggy god woman need  
TG: she doesn't even have the decency to fill the rooms with useless crap   
TG: nah kitted them all out like a quaint bed and breakfast that's obviously haunted  
TG: and I'm just wandering the halls of this spooky mansion holding two plates of pancakes like they're a candlestick and I'm a virgin in a white nightgown about to get nabbed by some creepy hermit looking to seduce me via stockholm syndrome 

John has no fucking idea where he is, so he sighs petulently as he jabs the screen to type ' _hold on_ ' in response and gets to finding his glasses and making sure he's not half naked before he sticks his head out the door. 

"DAAAAVE--" He bellows, then quickly remembers there may be members of his friends and family still asleep and/or hungover in nearby rooms. He repeats at a slightly more reasonable volume, "Dave?"

He hears the echo of a response coming from the spiral staircase, maybe a couple of floors below. Looking up at the remaining flights of stairs above him he works out which floor he's on and texts Dave his location.

Two minutes later he flops back on the bed he claimed, picking at his plate of pancakes, Dave sat cross-legged on the floor digging into his own stack. The syrup is soothing in John's mouth, washing away the aftertaste of whatever he was drinking last night.

"How you doing dude," Dave asks with his mouth full, "You disappeared last night. Not that you missed much."

"Yeah, I was up on the balcony for a while," John replies off-handedly, "Needed some air, you know."

Dave nods a little too sincerely for John's liking. He knows Dave isn't the kind to offer hangover breakfast and ask about your day out of pity, or to meddle in your business. Touching base is a thing the two of them do naturally after a decade of friendship. But John could sense concern and it was putting an uncomfortable edge on his mood.

He's barely checked in on himself yet. And he's not in a rush to do so either. So he shrugs and occupies his mouth with the pancakes lovingly offered by his caring friend and tries to think if there's anything else to say right now.

The two of them sit and eat in silence, Dave taking a moment to scroll through his phone, John checking the time on his, swiping away unneeded notifications, but not bothering to check any further than the lockscreen. He tosses it aside and flops back down.

"So that game last night was wild." Dave starts, trying to sound chill and only slightly failing. 

"Yeah." John sighs in response. "Kinda made me uncomfortable. That question..." 

"Yeah?" Dave keeps his focus on his plate, pushing pancake around with his fork.

"I dunno, I just didn't expect it." 

Dave stops and puts down his plate. 

"Are you... weirded out?"

"I dunno!" John waves his hands above his head "I feel weird, but I'm not weirded out. It's just... So, apparently everyone likes me? That's weird!"

"Its pretty fucking weird. I mean a lot of us have liked each other over the years, but that's still fucking weird."

"I mean most of them I kinda knew about? But then there's--" John gestures to the air above him again.

"Yeaaaah..." Dave says awkwardly. John continues to stare at the ceiling, sifting through his foggy thoughts. 

"--and now I can't stop thinking about it. It's really bugging me. And I feel bad that it's bugging me." 

"You don't have to feel bad about it, dude." Dave cuts in. 

"I mean it's not like weird because its... _gay_... I knew about Karkats crush on me and it was never weird. I don't think."

Dave laughs nervously, "I'm sorry dude. I swear I didn't even know at the time."

"At the time? When?" John snaps his head to face Dave inquisitively. "When did it happen?" 

"I dunno, John, like..." He's noticeably nervous now, pushing hands through his hair, "It was years ago..." 

Something in John's stomach drops and he decides it's his nervousness settling. 

"So it's not like... It's not still a thing, is it?" 

"No dude, its completely in the past, I swear." Dave says adamantly, sudden desparation in his voice. John looks at him, frowning in confusion. Why is Dave stressing about this? 

"Did he talk to you about it?" John queries suspiciously. 

"Wh--who, Karkat?" Dave stumbles. 

"What? No, _Dirk_ , did he talk to you about it?" 

"No? Why Dirk--did he talk to _you_ about it?" 

The two of them stare at one another in confusion. John blinks through his mind-fog, clearly he needs more sleep, and more pancakes while he's at it. A glass of water, maybe an aspirin. He tries to play the conversation they'd been having back through his head. 

"Dave, I'm talking about Dirk having apparently had a crush on me."

Dave practically jumps back on his spot on the carpet. 

"Dirk had _what now._ "

"He drank at that question last night, so yeah."

Dave takes a few seconds to respond, probably doing the same as John and rewinding through their conversation--mentally not physically John hopes. 

"So you're freaking out about _Dirk_ crushing on you?" Dave confirms. 

"Yes!" John raises his hands triumphantly "I mean I don't know why but it's like--how can a guy I don't even know like me?" 

"What can I say, dude. You're hot." Dave says sincerely, but adding a shrug to brush off any further meaning. 

"Oh, _come on_! I'm not even the hottest member of my family!" John scoffs, "Fuck, I'm probably the least hot out of our entire social group."

"Our entire social group has literally crushed on you" Dave points out flatly. "Barring those related to you, and lesbians. No--even some of the lesbians crushed on you. Face it, you're hot."

"Am not!" John whines. 

"Accept it, Egbert." Dave says getting up and collecting the plates. John watches him and realises he's blushing slightly in the cheeks just under the brim of his shades. 

There will be plenty of time to dwell on the sinking feeling in his stomach earlier that has now buzzed back into nervous energy, and to wonder why Dave's crush--past or otherwise--doesn't remotely bother him in comparison. For now John drags himself off the guest bed to follow Dave downstairs and continue to complain about how unattractive his ass is.

He doesn't see Dirk for the rest of the morning, and pretends to himself that he doesn't notice or care. 


	4. Tastes Like Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MCU but it's homestuck but it's ATLA

Three days later John wakes up in a similar way he had that morning after Jade's party - for some simular and some different reasons.

His head was dull, but not from alcohol. Probably from lying in bed for about ten hours, and ironically a lack of sleep. Maybe also dehydration. He probably hasn't drunk any actual liquids since that night. His phone vibrates against his head, but this time when he squints at the screen it's not red. It's not any other recognisable colour either. Orange? Who's Orange?

TT: hey John  
TT: got some of that prime Earth C cinema you were asking about  
TT: if you want to come over  
TT: you know where Jake and I live right  
TT: if you're free of course  
TT: it's Dirk btw  


Oh, Dirk.

Shit, _Dirk_.

John had spent absolutely no time decompressing the weird feelings he'd been having about Dirk, but it had been three days and he was pretty sure that was enough time to get over... Whatever that was. He was sober and had spent three days away from people, watching old dvds and thinking about nothing whatsoever. That was good enough for him.

He messages him back "Hey Golden Dong!" in recognition that they had had some kind of conversation and therefore foundation for a relationship. Er, friendship. Whatever. Which makes John feel better about going to his place while still barely knowing the guy.

It turns out Dirk lives in what is essentially Jake's basement. Although it is the basement of an obnoxiously eleborate mansion--one that puts Jade's to shame if you had to compare--so it's probably bigger than every room of John's house put together. And you can feel the space, he's kept it completely open plan with work stations and large pieces of machinery all over the place. And it seems he really lent into the 'work studio' feel, even filling in one of the corners so it's edges are rounded and painted white to create a photoshoot area, big light rigs set up, and a few cameras at different levels and angles. What he used that for was anyone's guess, but it didn't seem strange amongst all the various crafts and projects going on around them. There was a whole shelving unit of different kinds of fabrics, mannequins half dressed in outfits that looked suspiciously anime-like. There were half a dozen human-sized robots, an army of smaller robots, as well as what looked like a giant robotic arm for something that would be way too big for this space.

Dirk steps aside to his computer that looks like a pro gamers wet dream, leaving John to wander and gawk. It feels more like a secret lair than a home. John sceptically scans the room for signs of actual human life down here. There was a door at the entrance that Dirk pointed out was the bathroom, and theres a unit with a sink and a microwave that could pass as a 'kitchen'. It's not until he notices a set of blocks set into the wall, wide enough for someone to hop up them, that John sees the mezzanine above him--seriously what basement has a mezzanine--with a large futon laid out and a pile of stuffed animals. _Cute_ , John thinks. _Like a little tree house._ He can't see anything resembling a couch or somewhere comfortable to sit so he wonders if they'll be watching the films up there. He feels a little flash of the jitters that had struck him three nights ago.

Dirk strides up to him, a USB stick held out by slim calloused fingers in leather fingerless-gloves. John considers that the gloves are probably useful when you're working with tools and stuff, but he also internally smirks at the intimate Strider knowledge that he probably wears them to look cool.

John stares questioningly at the hand held out to him, then tilts his head to face Dirk. The artificial lighting in here is almost oppressive, but he's glad it's bright enough that he can get a look at the guys face. He can't see his eyes but enough light is glinting through the shades that he can make out freckles, ghosts of old scratches and scars, and the relaxed muscles of his face.

"Theres a bunch of stuff on here." He gestures to the stick "Movies, some TV and animated shows. All highly recommended from yours truly. I added some S-B-A-H-J in there too for good measure. I could get some other post-09 movies for you too if there's you're interested."

"I ah... Thank you" John says uncharacteristically softly. He's grateful, touched even, but also confused.

"It goes in your computer" Dirk says flatly.

"Ergh--I know that! I thought we were gonna watch them like, here."

"We can do." Dirk shrugs. He glances around like he's accessing his room for the possibility of entertaining guests for the rest time, "We can chill down here I've got a second chair somewhere. Or, Jake has a whole fucking cinema upstairs"

John can't help but snort, half unsurprised, half impressed.

"You're kidding me. Is he here?"

"Nah but its cool. He won't mind." Dirk says, "Ill let him know." He hastens to add, something flashing accross his face like he's reminding himself rather than telling John.

Dirk leads him through the majestic winding hallways in silence, John flipping the USB around his finger by its keyring.

"Is it weird, you two living together?" John asks absent-mindedly. He can't help but have the fact that theyre ex-boyfriends on his mind. He feels guilty though when Dirk pauses a couple of beats before answering.

"Nah. I know he have history but we... we've always been friends."

He pauses yet again, then says it in a low, frank tone that hits John a little deep,

"Honestly it would be weirder if we were living alone."

John let's silence fall again as he's led through the extravagant halls. He chose not to live with Jane. He thinks he prefers it that way. He doubts Jane would really want him around. And then there's her dad, which he'd prefer not to think about. But he feels a sting of guilt for a moment for Jade, alone in her giant hive in the troll kingdom. Like she has been her whole life.

It turns out Jake really does have a whole ass cinema. It's not like the huge complexes he used to take trips to with his dad on the old earth, but those old small intimate theatres with red valour carpeting and gold deco walls, little spotlights in the ceiling. Exactly like the ones you'd see in photos. There's even a little popcorn machine by the entrance filling the space with that warm inviting aroma. It doesn't smell quite like the distinctive popcorn he remembers from the real cinemas, but Jake wouldn't know that. And they're nothing but a memory living in John's head now.

Dirk ducks out to get drinks and John busies himself with the popcorn machine. He hasn't eaten since... yesterday? And decides this is a prime opportunity to have his fill of junk food. He fills as many of those little flimsy paper bags as he can carry over to the rows of seats. Right in the centre, perfect distance from the scene.

Dirk returns balencing in his arms a ridiculously oversized bag of doritos, and two jumbo slushies. Goddamn John had forgotten about slushies.

"Blue alright?" Dirk slides John his drink. He seats himself a respectable two places down and uses the seat between you to dump the chips.

"What flavour is it?"

"Blue."

John take a sip and it does in fact taste of blue. That artifical kind of sweet nothing tatse, something resembling raspberry and yet nowhere close. He nods approvedly and settles in silence, Dirk's shades eyeing him while slurping at his orange cup.

"Is yours flavoured orange?" John asks.

Dirk takes an obnoxiously long slurp before answering indignantly, "Yes."

"Can I try?"

Dirk quirks an eyebrow up from beneath the shades and quips "go for it," gesturing the straw towards him. John tuts and shuffles closer to get a sip. Dirk's definitely wiggling his eyebrows now, and John snorts at him.

"Douchbag, just gimme the cup," He mutters, but diligently he leans accross, and slips his lips onto the straw from his awkward position. He takes a quick slurp to assure it is in fact orange, and when he backs away he doesn't go all the way back to his seat. He rests an arm on the back of the seat nested between them.

"Have you ever tatsed an actual orange?" John asks, once again absent-mindedly. He realises a split second later how rude that probably sounded, to a guy that lived in the middle of an ocean from the kid that grew up in suburbia, but Dirk looks his right in the face (as much as those damn shades allow him), leans forward and asks,

"Wait, oranges are real?"

He pauses a beat, then breaks a subtle, gorgeous grin. John snorts, chasing the butterflies in his stomach away with cramps of laughter. He's sure it's social anxiety acting up. He thanks the stupid trolls that made his universe that Dirk seems cool with John making an ass of himself.

"Yeah, they're sour as fuck. Biggest let down of my life. But they're pretty good. I'd rather stick to the artifical shit though."

"Love that artificial shit!" John says, tilting his cup to him like he's doing a toast. He wonders how much more of the conversation he can make on subject of slushies, when Dirk abruptly stands up and announces its movie time. John get started on the bags of popcorn, settling the remaining tummy flutters, somewhat dissatisfied that the window of conversation is over.

However, it turns out Dirk does not care about staying quiet during movies. The film he picks out is an action adventure blockbuster about the heroes of Earth C, which sounds incredibly unappealing to John but turns out its so loosely based it may as well be any other generic hero movie.

It feels to John like a rip-off of Avatar The Last Airbender (a reference Dirk nods at with approval) with the four heroes having the powers of the elements for some reason. Dirk shrugs and says it was probably easier to market that way. One hero was elemental powers, why not make it a whole thing.

He also points out that the characters have personality traits associated with the troll caste of thier godtier colours, explaining the ways in which even stereotypes from Alternia had seeped into Earth C cinema. John supposes thats why the 'Air' dude is all buff and stuck up.

Inevitably the movie introduces a dramatic romance, which turns out to be between the Air Guy and the leader of the troll team. John bursts out laughing, slapping his legs excitedly.

"Oh my god!" he hisses to Dirk, "that's _me_ and _Karkat_!"

"I ship it." Dirk replies smoothly, "Don't tell Dave I said that though."

John laughs so much he doubles over, tipping popcorn on the floor, which gets him laughing even more. When he leans back up to breathe he sees Dirk is smirking too.

"I don't think... he'd care that much... " John says through steady breaths, throwing his head back against the seat, "You know, at one point he tried to get me to date Karkat? They were already together, I think, like they weren't open about it but it was definitely a thing. So he was basically like, yeah John, date my boyfriend! But as like, a hate thing. The spades one. Kismesis--ees--siss--sees..."

"Damn, I did not know that." Dirk says suprised, almost conspiring. "So what happened?"

"Well obviously I was like, _no!_ " John laughs, "Because I don't... You know-" he pauses, chuckles dying down, "-do those hate relationships."

Dirk hums and nods his head. John guesses he's agreeing with him, but internally John cringes. That had decidedly not been how he'd responded to Dave. But he felt so much embarrassment from the memory he didn't want to think about that, let alone bring it up.

Besides, its true. He couldn't do blackroms. Terezi had tried for a while and everything about it had seemed off, despite what Karkat had lectured him about it. The idea of being with someone when it felt wrong... It was too weird and uncomfortable to think about. He wouldnt have mind just dating Terezi... Normally. But she didn't want that, he guesses.

So he didn't date anyone. And that was fine by him.

Once the film reaches its spectacular end--a cliffhanger that continued into a five movie franchise John is informed--Dirk announces he needs some air. With a lazy wave of his arm John blows a brisk breeze right into Dirk's face.

"OK I get it, air bender." Dirk deadpans, straightening his shades. "Just, mind the hair, fuck."

Next time, John decides, he's going to sweep those stupid shades right off his face. 

"I just don't like to smoke in Jake's part of the house." Dirk clarifies. 

"Its all Jake's part of the house, Dirk."

"Ok, so anywhere north of the basement and south of the roof."

"That's not how North and South works," John teases.

"Actually the roof feels like a good idea. Roof? Let's make this hape-en."

"Race you there!" John laughs as he flashes into thin air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting for this chapter. I ended up splitting it in two because it was taking me so long. I'm trying not to be too fancy with this fic, just telling the story in my head and letting it flow and build. I hope it's still enjoyable for y'all.


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